Judge me
There a breaking point in every person decides how much shit a person can deal with before snapping out. Snapping out doesn have the same definition/purpose/effect in every person but the breaking point is what decides when that comes. Are you supposed to feel your breaking point as it approaches or is it supposed to surprise you? Maybe because you reaction would be better if you were surprised. Suicide is always a surprise, at least to an extent. Sickness is fickle, it could go either way. [عزيزي الزائر يتوجب عليك التسجيل لمشاهدة الرابط للتسجيل اضغط هنا] A person could be sick for years and years and years and years and yearsssss then you get used to this person always being sick and stop paying such close attention, stop visiting as much because he been sick for so long that you get it in your head that he going to be like this for a while and you don have to worry as much can continue with your life a little and let the worry fade and fade just a little start to feel a little guilty you go to check on this person he dead. Is it then a surprise? Or, because it went on for so long was it not really a surprise?
If you have warning have this we really don know warning. And when you do your own research it doesn look good. And there no way to tell a ti****ble to a stage of seriousness without more surgery which isn going to happen. So you have warning cancer be 2 years, could be 10 years don know unless we were able to do more tests isn going to happen. Well, I have a couple an apartment, a wonderful husband and 3 great dogs not everything is stable yet. I now officially pushing 30 and haven decided where I want to live or what I want to do when I grow up I have decided that I don want kids and what car/s I want but that doesn seem to make me feel better about everything. I hate the thought of moving somewhere that I could possibly end up not liking and then wanting to leave and go somewhere else. I hate the thought of settling somewhere that is ok but wishing everyday that I was living somewhere else. I hate the idea of Dirk and I working into our 90 at jobs that we don really like never really getting ahead or going anywhere. I want to wait to buy a house until I figure out where exactly I want to end up who knows when that going to happen.
And then my mom lives in Joshua Tree I NOT living there. So will I convince her to move across the country with Dirk and I or will we stay close to California? I suck at making concrete decisions. I want to do at least two things equally and can never really decide which one to do. You should see me trying to figure out where I want to eat dinner! It a little ridiculous.
Then there the issue of jobs we go we have to be able to work be wealthy enough to not have to work we not there yet. What fields are we going to work in? Do I want to tattoo for the rest of my life this business here in Nevada or do something I always wanted to do like anthropology? Hmph. And is Dirk going to stay in the field he in now or work in Geology like he always wanted to? This whole job market bullshit makes these decisions a lot more difficult because there a lot less choice involved most of the time.
For now we going to be in Nevada for at least another year, maybe two something drastic happens that forces us to rethink our plan. But then what? Is my business going to take off and make it financially possible for us to do the things we want to do, in Nevada and elsewhere? I wish there was some way to know hate uncertainty. I guess this is the way it works for those of us who aren doctors or lawyers degree besides a medical or law degree doesn mean that you are going to work in that field isn it?
Anthropology major tattooing and running a call center business major testing air conditioning units the hell??
I very lucky to have found my husband have the certainty in knowing that he going to be there no matter where we end up or what jobs we have. I also very glad that we got his dog back from Virginia after all the time and effort we put into it we finally got her home! There two things I don need to worry about anymore. And I really worried about that dog lost a lot of sleep wondering if we were ever going to have her home. Dirk and I are healthy (for the most part) and so are our dogs which is really important. It weird how there no specific turmoil the unknown uncertainty of the path that we taking that is worrying me so much lately. I guess it that I can see that we at a fork in the road nearing a fork in the road I want to be sure that we prepared to make the right decision when the time comes so that everything works out the best way possible.
My doctor in Yucca Valley once told me that I need to relax still haven figured out how wonder I still have migraines and insomnia. sigh Is there a name for always worrying about shit that doesn need to be worried about RIGHT NOW? If so, there should be a photo of me next to it in the dictionary I doubt there is. Well, that is, besides OCD, anal retentive, indecisive, paranoid, anxious, mild depression (don we all have that??) wish there was a pill to cure whatever it is instead of curing the symptoms of it. LOL (You may experience clammy hands, sleeplessness, headaches, difficulty breathing, fatigue, water retention, muscle soreness but serious side effects include suicidal thoughts, liver failure, brain hemorrhage, aneurysm and hallucinations.) Please contact your physician to see if this little pill is right for you. I bitter about that. Terribly bitter. Now that I older I afraid of injury, more likely to get injured and not really willing to deal with being pushed, smashed, bumped into, abused, trampled, punched, kicked and whatever else while enjoying these things. Mosh pits are a great place to get out any anger, of which I have in spades diving is a fucking rush and crowd surfing is awesome. I find though that I may have had my last few mosh pit, stage diving and crowd surfing experiences believe these days are behind me to my dismay. I am still angry still want the mutual fight feeling of the mosh pit with no hurt feelings and a few lost shoes, maybe a bloody nose and some bruises still want the rush of diving off of the stage before security can get to you feeling of a hundred hands moving underneath you and the great view you have of the band while moving across the crowd
I never forget the first time I saw Face to Face live. I was either 17 or 18 at the time think 17. I was in the mosh pit and the crowd was soooo big that the pressure from being pushed by hundreds of people behind you was literally making it hard to breathe. It was hot and stale from all the sweat and no circulating air and the crowd was going nuts. I was towards the front and was being crushed by hundreds of bodies behind me. It was as if the entire crowd, all the way from the back of the venue, was trying to push their way to the front by the stage.
I ended up in the mosh pit quite on accident and realized that it was full of older guys, mostly big guys 200 lbs. or more. I somehow managed to hold my own for a while until all of a sudden someone pushed me at just the right angle and I went down. I couldn catch myself and fell all the way to the floor. I opened my eyes after I hit the ground and saw another kid about five feet away from me who gotten knocked to the floor too. We grinned at each other through the mass of stomping feet and then, all of a sudden, I was lifted up and brushed off by some big punk dude who asked if I was okay and then continued on his stampede through the mosh pit. I never saw the kid that was on the floor with me again though I looked for him.
The one thing that I realized that night, and many nights thereafter, is that the punk crowd, especially those in the pit, don want to hurt anyone. The biggest, meanest punk dudes in the pit will be the first ones to grab you and hurl you out of the pit if you look like you need a break, they pick you up and brush you off as soon as they see you fall, they find you a way into the pit if you looking for an entrance, they lift you up onto the stage to dive, they hurl you up onto the crowd to surf, they pick up your lost shoe and hold it up for you to come and get it of it with a smile a camaraderie amongst the mosh pit punk crowd that [عزيزي الزائر يتوجب عليك التسجيل لمشاهدة الرابط للتسجيل اضغط هنا] can be surpassed. It something that outsiders wouldn imagine a punk crowd doing. Of course there the young bastards who are complete dicks in the pit a few times I seen the young bastards get kicked out or knocked out by an older punker for doing something stupid like punching a girl or trampling someone. The punk crowd protects the punk crowd in a way. It valiant in it own twisted way.
Put it this way, I wouldn want to fall down in the middle of a Faith Hill concert or a Jonas Brothers concert be trampled and it be hours before anyone even noticed my bloody **** on the floor.
These days I find that I afraid of injury thus more prone to injury in the pit the mosh pit seems to get younger and younger every show I go to. So there more young bastards with no respect in the pit and I less willing to just go nuts. Thinking about all of this makes me angry about wasting my early 20 with a controlling, abusive asshole and not going to any shows for sake of argument. Those were the years I could have spent being careless and angry in the mosh pit off the stage and crowd surfing.
Now when I go to see certain shows I find that the older crowd is standing in the back or on the sides just watching assume they also feeling their age a little bit more and not willing to risk injury in the pit anymore. It sad all the fun I missed out on. Maybe when I have a mid life crisis I find myself stage diving again knows. But for now I in the back, on the sides or in the balcony the entire time to jump into the pit.
Bad Religion is awesome. I wanted to see them live since I first listened to them when I was about My sister and her boyfriend at the time came out from NY to visit and when they returned home her boyfriend, Chris, mailed me some tapes, yes cassette tapes, of east coast punk. I had already fallen in love with some of the west coast punk bands of the time but didn know anything about the early punk or east coast stuff was all Chris! So in case I haven thanked him for introducing me to it, THANKS CHRIS! It was a mixtape with Social Distortion Mommy Little Monster on one side and Bad Religion (I think it was No Control) on the other side. Subs, The Wretched Ones, Agnostic Front, Pegboy, Frenzal Rhomb list goes on.
So back to Bad Religion were all I was hoping they be. They were loud, they were genuinely thrilled that the crowd was singing the choruses, they sounded like they did on their albums, they did an encore both nights and they played almost every song I really wanted to hear. Since I never be able to see The Ramones, Bad Religion is the cherry on my live show sundae. It amazing to think that some of [عزيزي الزائر يتوجب عليك التسجيل لمشاهدة الرابط للتسجيل اضغط هنا] their best songs were created when Greg was only 15. I wish I had done [عزيزي الزائر يتوجب عليك التسجيل لمشاهدة الرابط للتسجيل اضغط هنا] something that awesome when I was 15 will see them any and every chance I get from now until they stop touring altogether. 🙂
There are some things I don miss about being young.
When I was young my emotions were insane. Everything was either absolutely unbearable or unbelievably awesome! It’s a wonder I made it out alivewell, I guess I almost didn’t. Now as I’m a bit older and things in my life [عزيزي الزائر يتوجب عليك التسجيل لمشاهدة الرابط للتسجيل اضغط هنا] have leveled out a bit it seems almost everything is in the middle, the happy medium. I’ve found a man that I love more deeply than I’ve ever loved anyone and am happy to report that he feels the same way about me. So my days of emotional roller coasters that I called relationships are over, boo hoo. I tend to make smart decisions regularly, at least when it matters. Though I do tend to do dumb little shit all day long, which is mostly the fault of having a really bad memory, which is the fault of thoroughly enjoying my adolescence. I feel the need for adventure but it isn’t the same kind of adventure I sought when I was younger. When I was younger I wanted to get drunk, do lots of drugs, have *** with strangersnow I just want to see the sunset in Italy and read a book on the beach in Costa Rica.
I find myself wanting, more than anything, a yard that I can sit in and watch the sun set and a new pair of Ugg boots as mine have seen more days than they were ever meant to. I am not simple but I want a simple life. I want my bills to be paid and maybe have a small savings just in case my dog needs to go to the vet or my car needs new tires, I want to be able to afford to eat good sushi at least once a week, I want to have health and dental insurance, plenty of good books to read, a comfortable bed to sleep in and beautiful surroundings to enjoy in my free time. I’d like a little more energy than I have and wish I didn’t have to always worry about doing something that might give me a three day migraine, but those things I’ve learned to live with.
I do wish I hadn’t wasted much of my early twenties on a man who doesn’t deserve to pick up my dog’s poop but there isn’t much I can do about that now. Karma will take care of him for me if it hasn’t already. I believe I have paid back most of my bad karma and I am now living in the results of my good karma, of which I’m stacking up even more every chance I get.
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